It’s been a few months now since I’ve felt this deep despair, a soul-crushing emptiness that seems to grow with each passing day. The more I live, the more I experience this relentless battle with loneliness.
I don’t have many friends—just one friend—and the rest are acquaintances. Yet, what troubles me the most is the ache I feel when I see couples sharing their lives, raising children together. Despite all I’ve done to improve myself, I still feel broken, as though all my efforts have been in vain.
I often wonder: is this longing for a partner driven by lust, or is it something deeper? Is it the desire for sexual pleasure, or is it the yearning for someone to truly care for me, to stand by me through sickness and health, poverty and plenty? Perhaps it’s both, but it’s clear to me that I desire a family—not just fleeting companionship, but the joy and responsibility of raising children and building a life together.
Yet, I can’t ignore the practical questions. Would I be able to provide for a wife and children? Without a stable job, a savings account, or a home, how could I responsibly start a family? Could I truly be a godly husband and father, a provider and role model? These thoughts weigh on me heavily, and the words of Dr. John MacArthur echo in my mind: failing to provide for one’s family is worse than being a pagan.
These fears bring me to tears. The possibility of being alone forever feels like a heavy shadow over my life. Living with schizophrenia, epilepsy, depression, and anxiety only makes it harder. My battles are daily, and the loneliness compounds them.
In this time of financial strain and inflation, I know many people face similar struggles. I don’t have anyone in my life right now, but seeing others in love magnifies my emptiness. I know I should seek Jesus, trusting Him over my own heart’s desires. It’s not just about physical desires; it’s about longing for someone who can be a true partner in life.
There are things my parents, with their different generational mindset, can’t fully understand. Sometimes, the support we need isn’t something family can provide. I’m left wondering: should I seek a godly woman and pursue marriage, or remain single?
The reality is, I barely manage day-to-day due to my illnesses. I haven’t been able to work for over a decade, and at 35, I feel like my options are running out. Socializing is a challenge with my anxiety, and I avoid dating apps because they seem fake and shallow.
Right now, I don’t have answers. All I can do is cry and wrestle with these feelings in the quiet of my room. My life feels like a mystery—a puzzle with missing pieces. But I hold onto the hope that, in the midst of my brokenness, God sees me. Maybe the future holds something different. Maybe, in time, there will be healing or clarity. Until then, I cling to the grace of Jesus, even as I navigate this lonely and difficult road.
For anyone else feeling this way: you’re not alone. Even in our tears and pain, there’s a God who walks with us. I pray for strength, for myself and for anyone facing the same struggles.