Good morrow, dear friends! I find myself compelled to share a recent experience regarding my appointment at Queen Elizabeth Hospital, which I secured thanks to my esteemed medical practitioner. However, I must confess, I was quite incensed with her. I boldly accused her of lacking sensitivity and of deliberately misrecording my details—my name, gender, date of birth, and even my father’s name. Yet, it appears the fault lay not with her, but rather with the staff nurse at registration, who prepared the medical report and committed the errors.
Upon reviewing my medical record, I took it upon myself to rectify the inaccuracies. Nevertheless, I was beset by guilt for having assumed the worst of my medical doctor. To compound my distress, I allowed my anxiety to overwhelm me, leading me to utter blasphemies against the Almighty. I lamented my plight, questioning why I must endure such a wretched existence filled with struggle and suffering. I was acutely aware that such thoughts were grievous sins, and I feared that the Lord might bring my life to an abrupt end for my transgressions.
In my contrition, I prayed for forgiveness and recognized that I was behaving much like Martin Luther in his moments of despair. I hold a deep love for the Lord, yet I find myself faltering and sinning grievously at times. I am determined not to tread that dark path again. Reflecting upon my missteps has prompted me to heed the gentle conviction of the Holy Spirit. I understand that I am not perfect, yet I am continually beset by ailments, which leads me to ponder why God does not simply remove me from this earthly realm, much like Thanos in his fabled snap.
I find myself envious of the early Christian martyrs who embraced suffering and death with joy. As for myself, I am far removed from such fortitude, and I often question whether I am truly saved or among the elect. The tumult of my life weighs heavily upon my mind. At times, I pray for the Lord to take me home, away from this pain and suffering. Yet, I wonder, is such a desire selfish? Or do I merely yearn to dwell with the Lord in that celestial city, free from suffering and death?
It is indeed a struggle, but I know I must persist in my fight and place my trust in God.