It has been a considerable duration since I have engaged in earnest prayer, beseeching the heavens for a breakthrough in my financial circumstances. This yearning has intensified since my departure from secular college, a decision that I am acutely aware has led me down a path fraught with challenges. The weight of my current situation is compounded by a multitude of health afflictions, including the harrowing battles against suicidal ideation, depression, social anxiety, and the more recent diagnoses of epilepsy and schizophrenia. These conditions have rendered me incapable of engaging in activities that many take for granted, such as operating heavy machinery or even driving—a reality that fills me with a profound sense of despair.
In my present state, I find myself grappling with the notion of the future, a concept that has become increasingly elusive. The more I attempt to ignore the uncertainties that lie ahead, the more vivid they become, particularly as I observe my parents aging. I am acutely aware that there may come a time when they are no longer able to engage in the farming work that has sustained our family for generations. Compounding this concern is the fact that my only brother resides a hundred miles away, engrossed in his own life and responsibilities. Meanwhile, I remain ensnared in a cycle of lamentation and complaint, feeling as though I am merely existing rather than truly living.
It is not that I lack initiative; rather, I find myself paralyzed by the very conditions that afflict me. The thought of creating videos or speaking publicly fills me with trepidation, as my social anxiety severely hampers my ability to communicate effectively. Even the aspiration to become an influencer—a dream that many pursue with fervor—seems unattainable, as it necessitates a level of public engagement that I am currently incapable of achieving. The suggestion to utilize artificial intelligence as a means of overcoming these obstacles, while well-intentioned, is met with the stark reality of financial limitations; I cannot afford to buy such technology.
In an effort to generate income, I have established an online shop, primarily selling textbooks and Christian literature—most of which are my own, now rendered obsolete by my evolving beliefs. Regrettably, despite pricing these items as low as three dollars, I have encountered a disheartening lack of interest from potential buyers. My attempts to engage in gaming, a pursuit that might offer both enjoyment and financial opportunity, are thwarted by a painfully slow internet connection, rendering streaming or participation in online games virtually impossible. Furthermore, my foray into offering written Q&A services on platforms such as Fiverr has been met with a deluge of scams, leaving me disillusioned and frustrated.
As I reflect upon these myriad challenges, I cannot help but feel as though I am ensnared in a curse that renders my efforts futile. While I understand that the command to work is a divine blessing, my inability to fulfill this command in a manner that honors the Lord weighs heavily upon my conscience. This contemplation leads me to ponder the prospect of marriage—a desire that grows more pressing as I reach the age of thirty-five. The thought of seeking a partner and establishing a family fills me with both hope and trepidation. How can I, in my current state, provide for my future wife and children? If I cant then the marriage is crumbling! You see, most people dont know that the most heinous crime within a Christian household, I fear, is the failure of a man to fulfill his responsibilities to sustain his family, both financially and spiritually.
The societal expectation that a man must provide food on the table and a stable home for his family looms large in my mind. I find myself grappling with the painful realization that, despite my earnest desire to seek a wife, I must confront the harsh truth that I am ill-equipped to sustain a family. This realization is a bitter pill to swallow, and I cannot help but feel a sense of inadequacy, particularly as I navigate the complexities of adulthood while still residing in my parents's basement.
As I question my path, I am plagued by thoughts of where I might find the means to achieve financial stability. Is there a way out of this quagmire, or am I destined to remain single, spending my days in solitude until old age claims me? These questions haunt me, echoing in the silence of the night, as I seek clarity and direction from the Lord in a world that often feels overwhelmingly dark.
I find myself at a crossroads, grappling with the weight of my circumstances and the aspirations that seem perpetually out of reach. It is my hope that through continued reflection and prayer, I may uncover a path that leads to both personal fulfillment and the ability to provide for a family, should that opportunity arise. Until then, I remain in a state of contemplation, yearning for a breakthrough that may yet illuminate my way forward.